were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
