five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
