it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize