Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We're too hungover to prance.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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