just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize