1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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