i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
