She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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