dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
