apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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