Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
