There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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