I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Never joke about your clitoris.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
