you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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