I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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