I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
