I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My bed smells like the plague
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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