i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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