sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
