When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
