Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
