so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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