He told me they were just razor bumps!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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