census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
