It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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