I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
