I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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