i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
