I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
