i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
