he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
