It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
