If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
