She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
