I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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