I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
