Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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