Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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