We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
