i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
