My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
