Heybabeimwearingurpanties
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
