You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
