do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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