The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
