Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
