She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
