I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
