My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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