sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
