my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she peed on how many people?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize