Will you blow on my dice?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
