I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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