Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
