This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
