why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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