I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
