Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
