Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize