I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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