i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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