Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
