I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
