I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
