I want to make a zoo with you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
