you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
